my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
