is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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