his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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