and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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