Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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