i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
foreskin is a definite game changer
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
