Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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