Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
