She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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