Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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