My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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