it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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