I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize