On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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