I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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