meet me or not, i'm out of control
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
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its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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