Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
