woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
