My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
