He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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