I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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