I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
