Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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