hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
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I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
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Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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