FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Did I show you my penis last night?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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