I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
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When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
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Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country