Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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