Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
