I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
