i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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