If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
