How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I skipped work to stalk him.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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