Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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