I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
