he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
