I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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