we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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