i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
