hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Less talking, more tequila
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
