M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
