Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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