I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
