What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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