Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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