Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
