Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
