Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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