the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
