So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
we're making bets on your personal life
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
