I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
