So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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