you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
