The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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