I think i peed on brittanys purse
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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