LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
